I'm walking myself tenderly through a forest of envy. Envy is a very familiar sensation that has debilitated me in the past, a sensation that feels like being stuffed full of food only to be slaughtered and eaten. Not a fantastically comfortable or necessarily sensible analogy, but that's how it feels. Like being gutted. It's fascinating! ...and it's just a sensation.
What's actually going on here? What's actually important here?
There was an announcement saying someone I've known is being included in a panel of humans recognized for their capacities in consciousness, recognized out loud as a teacher/healer/speaker. That's happening in a city where I lived many years of life. The gutting sounds like this...
"That should have been you... You were there, you had the opportunity, you had access to those people and you just couldn't do it. You just couldn't show up for that, you kept hiding. Now you're a nothing and you'll never be on that stage."
Have you ever heard that one? Or something of that flavor? HA! ...it's rich like the way people feed animals certain things so their muscles will be an undeniable flavor sensation.
So here I am, walking through this forest of judgments. The mind has all sorts of correctnesses to pull out of its hat, like, "You just weren't yet ready and willing, you had a different journey there and it's impossible to miss a door. It's all divine orchestration and that person is the one who will best serve in that arena. All is well." Which is, of course, true. Yet the gutting continues. What's the truth? ...that's the question.
Lots of awareness presents. It's all wonderful. Good to know. Thank you Family, got it. Yet the conflict remains as if it's anything less that spectacular that more and more Dear Ones are showing up to share their brilliance, to guide and assist humanity in exponential ways. So, what's the deal, my egoic ego? What are you missing? What do you have to prove? Whose idea do you need to fit into?
That's a good one. That brings the conflict right to the surface. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't construct. Fit in and be seen, fit out and don't be seen, as if those are the only two options. What a doozy! The sensations through the body are softer now, but there is still a contest for who makes the heart beat - the ego thinks it wants the mind in charge of that. I give it back to the body.
What do you have to prove, my friend? My egoic, mental, historical, magnetic, judgmental, linear friend? What's right enough to make our journey so wrong?
Ah, I see. It is more right to share on bigger scales, to bigger audiences. That is righter because it is more easily recognized...says the ego. It's righter in an arena such as this, which can be dominated with amazingness, and, says the ego, this is both justifiable and good. It also says to me that what I share is, to keep the language clean here, full of poopies. It has all sorts of opinions in all sorts of directions. I think it's been spending too much time on facebook. But why? What's the big deal? How is a bigger single audience, or an announcement from within a certain arena more better than speaking the truth to a Dear One in any moment, sharing the love?
...it has no response to that.
Because there is no response to that except to keep doing what we do, which is show up and share more of the open-heartedness that I am.
Help me to love and not to judge.
I mean, what's really important here? It's also true that the writing and teaching are very much parts of my expression and ways to share...website, books, screenplays, etc. And I am totally game to share. As my good friend suggests, perhaps what's more important is how much love can I emanate?
This envy conflict is a doozy and I'm so happy to bring it forward. It's always been one of those situations where, "Oh, Kerri, you're so talented, blah blah blah...when will you be on tv on the radio doing this doing that...blah blah blah." I don't remember not having this huge conflict of knowing how much there is to share yet feeling totally hobbled in the sharing.
How does it feel to have no hobbles?
Conflict uses envy as a whip to keep the focus on itself - that much is clear. I wonder what the truth is! I wonder what doors will open...and this part is important...I wonder what doors will open AS I emanate more love (as opposed to SO I'll emanate more love).
There is definitely an absence of trust by the mental levels that such an expression exists, that doors and opportunities will present (because "doors and opportuinties" must fit a certain bill within the context of the mind), and even as the opinions sit here beside me criticizing my heartfelt awareness, the whip still looks for what it finds necessary to "get there". It would look something like a wildly-popular TV show called America's Got Consciousness or some such thing. Then at least we could audition and we know we'd make it because we definitely got consciousness! The mind is just sure of it! ...or full of it...
But what's actually important here?
We always come back to love. There is no way to know what a life lived in love might look like, where it might go. I do get glimpses, senses, awarenesses. But I let them go. There is still a sensation moving through the body that feels like sickness, like that pit in the stomach when you realized the flight left without you, or actually, more like, jeez it's hard to describe. Like death. Yeah. Death.
Bring it on! It's just a sensation.
When will this world realize how much I have to contribute... wails a dying ego. When will I be The One?? ...oh, it's sooo entertaining!!
Which brings me back to what's important. Love is not a popularity contest. I heard someone say that once or twice... I get it now more than ever. Every day, more than ever. Stay tuned, coming up after the commercial break...America's Got Love!
So thank the God-party, i.e entourage, i.e. Family, i.e. Big Me, i.e. Creator Consciousness, i.e. whoever makes my pastry and coffee tomorrow morning, that there are endless opportunities to emanate love!
Really, I really, really wonder how much love can move through me, as me, and be felt and expressed in every way?? I really, truly do wonder that, and I really, truly do want to know for myself! Others can talk about their journey (kind of like I'm doing here), they can certainly guide and assist, but they aren't this journey. We are claiming this one and running with it.
So, what the heck does more love than I've ever known before actually FEEL like?
Garçon... I'll have more love!