My Battle With The Universe
I started battling the Universe in a conversation when I was about 13. I was watching a member of my family manipulate me using my emotions. The contradictions were mind-bending. I was expected to believe that I couldn't understand because I was young and I was expected to not question that this was love. I already knew love and this wasn't it. Love as I knew it was the tone and sensation of the truth that I felt when I asked for the truth from my Entourage, although I didn't have that term or concept at the time. At the time I knew there were at least 7 of us navigating this life from a very high place. Somewhere in there I got so frustrated with the physical world and with the humans and their torture tactics that I made a pact with "God", which was synonymous with "nature" at the time.
I said, "This isn't love. There isn't a love that is greater than the love I feel from "God", so that's what I'm going with. Nothing less than that will do. There is no human that will or can be here with me, so that's it." And I gave it all away to "God." Now, for clarity, this was not the Catholic god, not the Christian god, nothing like that. It was the feeling of flowing golden light that never let me down, the feeling I shared with the animals, the sensation that always accompanied clarity. The sensations of presence.
Well, that all seems great, right? Except what I did in that pact was put forth a challenge at the same time. I walled myself off from at least 50% of life by refusing to be open to the gifts that would come through humanity. I excluded humanity from love. So there was still this part of myself that would challenge the Universe to present me with something that I would judge worthy of my love. ...can you see the inherent confusion in there? I was now the self-appointed, self-regulated judge and jury and warden of the worthiness of love.
Years later as I started opening up, I woke up one morning with a phone number in my head. Very clear. So I googled the phone number and it took me to a page that said, "St Agnes blahblahblah". So I googled St Agnes...
St Agnes was a 13 year old girl who was sainted after her death, way back in the day when that sort of thing was cool. It turns out she was told that she would marry a much older man and she said no, she was already married to god. So they killed her and then sainted her. ...too funny, eh?
Of course this brought me back to the awareness of the pact I made when I was also 13, the vow to be in love only with the sensations of God as I knew it at that time. At the time when I made that pact it seemed like love, but it was actually creating a conflict. I had plunged my stake in the ground, unmovable from that opinion, go ahead and test me!
I was, for many years, caught up in the astral magnetics of the St Agnes story. Was I that person? Did I operate the St Agnes lifestream? Who cares. It really doesn't matter. What matters is being free from it.
For millenia humanity has used conflict as a way to know itself. Humanity has used contrast and competition to know the difference between you and me, yours and mine. Conflict has been like air, always there, almost imperceptible until it's in motion, and once it's in motion, it can tear apart buildings or embrace you with a refreshing warmth. Conflict isn't a bad thing, it's just a thing.
Remembering the St Agnes facets was like a glass of cold water in the face, and I was very uncomfortably grateful. That was when I started opening my awareness to conflict, rather than trying to noodle through individual conflicts.
I play on sensory levels. So to free myself, I would tune my awareness to conflict of any kind. Being aware of when I'm fighting became more important than what I'm fighting with. So my body would tell me when I'm in conflict with anything, including the Universe. Of course, it took some time for the awareness to get more and more clear. The journey is the journey. In other words, I didn't chase clarity...well okay, I did chase clarity quite a bit, but I also started letting myself notice conflict. With assistance from Will for tools and guidance and embracement through a human form, and assistance from my entourage for clarity and embracement, and willingness on my own part to know all that I am, my capacity to see conflict and address it has just grown and grown.
Will is talking a lot now about surrendering to your Higher Levels. There is a change in sensations through the body when that surrender is pure and true. That's how I dance with it - I dance with how it feels. My mind is totally on board because it's watched me address the conflicts with love rather than more conflict. My mind knows that conflict doesn't get it done. Ultimately, showing kindness to the mental levels is what has opened the way for me. It's not about a seeking, although the mind sometimes really wants to push and push toward clarity or whatever it sees as the golden ticket of the moment. So, I get that and see it for what it is - the mind trying to apply its methodology in a paradigm where that methodology is ineffective. With that clarity, the embracement sensations of surrender come to the forefront, and I let it happen. I don't hold on to the pull of the mental suggestions. I just don't hold on to them, and the movement of my higher levels sort of takes over, or takes command, of where we're going next.
I am willing to see when conflict wants my attention, and I refuse to fight, to the very best of my awareness at any given time. Then my awareness gets bigger, and we're on to what's next!